Confessions of the Shadow Girl
by Skylar93
Summary: She was one of the decade's bests. She had everything down from the voice to the looks. Mikan Sakura was smart, talented and broken.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice nor "Shadow" by Maria Mena

* * *

**Confessions of a Shadow Girl**

Prologue

* * *

Shadow

_'Following my footsteps home_  
_This time I'm walking alone_  
_Trying hard to be someone_  
_I don't even know_

_I feel like a shadow_  
_Walking behind who you think I am_  
_Just like my shadow_  
_Wanting to see the sun again_  
_I'm your shadow_  
_And I'm lost_  
_Just like my shadow'_

_by Maria Mena_

* * *

I didn't know how to tell my mother about it.

I stared down at my calloused fingers, and to my bloody marred wrists. The thin lines that drew ugly scars on my wrist were the dreaded reminders of what had happened the year before. My mother would ha-

"Yukihira!"

I jerked my arms away, folding them behind my back. Looking up, I immediately recognized the raven black hair that had peeked through the holding doors. Quite similar to mine, it was cropped and layered at the end framing bright purple eyes, thin lips and, would have been mistaken for as a button, her nose. The back of her hair looked all disarrayed as she turned around to nod at the guard who was watching me. She must have been sleeping.

"What happened to you?"

I knew what she was asking but there was something about the way she said it that made me think otherwise. Tired, I shook my head, leaning back against the wall. She didn't say anything which I might have expected from her but I felt the she was urging me to respond. "I got arrested."

"I can see that," she told me with her monotonous voice. Her eyebrows rose, "For what?"

I looked away again.

She knew why. Don't even know why even she bothered to ask. It was always for that one reason.

"Why?"

"Hotaru, you know why," I glanced at her. I wanted to know she wasn't mad at me, "Please don't ask me anymore."

From the way her eyes seemed to twist in circles in mine, it felt like she was trying to pull something out of me that I didn't have; truth. "I'm not bailing you out again."

I dropped my arm, letting it slide to my sides.

She peered in to my cell, taking as little as two steps forward, "Unless you let me help you."

I groaned. I knew what this was about. It was about the scholarship to some prestigious academy.

"We've been over this, Hotaru. I told you, I'm not going to give up my music career to go back to that godforsaken place." I puffed crossing my arms over my chest.

"You haven't even been there," She drew a few inches closer, her nose almost touching the bars, "They have a good music program there. You could start over, Mikan. A lot of famous musicians have studied there, actors too. I need you to consider this. No matter how famous you are, nothing in your life right now can help you."

I chocked.

"You're killing yourself."

A year ago I should have. Everything changed because I ran one stupid red light. "I'm not."

I tried to convince myself that I wasn't trying to kill myself but I think she already knew I was lying, to myself even.

"Good."

The next thing, I knew I was being shipped back to Tokyo, the farthest I can go where almost nobody can recognize me.

_I wished._

* * *

AN_: Tell me what you think? It's a little bit dark but basically it's about Mikan trying to recover from something that happened. I haven't thought about that part yet so I just made this into a prologue. Mikan and Natsume haven't met each other yet if you're wondering. Anyway, I'm posting another story tomorrow that's written in Natsume's POV. I realized that the story would be rather dull if it was just Mikan.  
_

_Sky_


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gakuen Alice nor "Shadow" by Maria Mena

* * *

**Confessions of a Shadow Girl**

Chapter 1

* * *

I couldn't even recognize myself.

This girl in front of the mirror, staring back at me with her tamed auburn brown hair and rosy cheeks, was someone I didn't expect to see. She didn't reflect who I really was. She was calm, sweet looking, and _decent_. I was shocked to find that this girl was _me._

She looked smart, almost uptight, in the blazer uniform that damned school made me wear.

"You look good."

I jolted up, dropping my brush. Hotaru, with her usual uncaring composure, entered the room wearing the same outfit and naturally, it suited her more. She was always beautiful without even trying just like the rest of her family she was pale, genius and absolutely money crazy.

She glanced down at the pants.

"You do know that pants are for guys."

I laughed, "Well, they can make me wear a blazer but I'm not going to ever and I mean never ever going to wear a skirt."

It was a rule. My rule.

"Well, you kind of have to."

Hotaru searched my unnaturally neat room. I was a complete neat freak. My doctor says it's a compulsive disorder but I disagree. It's one of the ill-effects of growing up in a tour bus that had hardly any indoor plumbing.

She paused for a while. I trailed where her eyes had stopped; a photograph. My brother.

I grow nauseas all of a sudden. I had my hand on my stomach. I forgot I still even had that picture. It was taken a week before he died, not long after the accident.

I took a deep breath and looked away. I needed to get away from everything and I knew the one person I could count on who can help me do that.

* * *

My best friend, Luna Kiozumi, was a washed up pop star that just won't quit.

I watched as she made her way towards our table, smiling prettily with obvious mischievous intentions while pulling two guys who were just as drunk as she was.

Luna's bright red hair was thrown over to the side with bangs whipping about, shaking her head trying to follow the beat of the song. At the sight of her near the edge of the table, I suddenly felt a strange feeling that something bad was going to happen tonight.

"Mikan," She smirked, "I want you to meet," Luna shook her head trying to remember the guys' name.

"Kyle." The blond, obviously hotter guy piped in with a cough. She smiled flirtatiously at him, lifting her arm to caress his face. It felt awkward being there, seeing her bold actions though it seemed that her intentions were well received. He flashed an even flirtier grin before looking back down at me, pointing over to his friend. "And this is Koko."

I gazed up at the sandy haired boy, who at first I was shocked to see for three obvious reasons. Initially, he wasn't drunk as I presumed earlier. He had a toothy grin with wickedly white teeth. Thirdly, from the way he dressed and looked, he didn't fit in. He, well, seemed oddly innocent.

Or maybe not.

Koko lifted an arm up placing it at the back of his head. He turned to look over to Luna, who seemed pleased that I didn't immediately turn the man down. She gave him a nod before turning back to me to wave goodbye with Kyle in tow. I watched as they disappeared into the dimmed lights and soon, after hearing a cough, I realized that I was left with the Koko guy. Ugh.

"So, hi," I said, unsure, "I'm Mikan by the way."

I held out a hand timidly, hoping he'd realize I wasn't into him and leave. He laughed and replied, "I think everyone knows who you are, Mikan Yukihira."

Not well enough to realize that Yukihira wasn't my real last name.

"Sakura." He added, smugly. He clicked a switch at the back and soon I realized what was happening.

Hotaru! I swear I'm going to get you for this. Using one of her minions to kidnap me.

He smiled, with utter bogus sincerity, before dragging me out forcefully. I was surprised nobody even noticed that I was being kidnapped. I was kicking and screaming for god sakes!

I couldn't remember what had happened next, feeling disoriented from the countless red flashes, but I knew why Hotaru did this. She found my passport and figured out my escape plan.

So much for France.

* * *

"How is she?"

The blonde turned to the pale faced brunette beside him, unable to comprehend the situation. His fingers shook as he placed his cup down gently. The man remained silent for a moment taking in the moment. He haven't heard her talk since the accident. He remained unmoved with his eyes wide in shock.

"Narumi." She whispered.

His heart jumped. She remembered him.

"How is she?"

She persisted. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to respond. She sighed, "How is my little angel."

Narumi's breathing stopped altogether. _'Her Angel.' _

Remembering her father's orders, he prepared himself.

"She died remember. In the car crash last year."

He lied, and watched her grieve all over again.

* * *

_AN: Next Chapter will be a lot longer. I just needed to add this so that the next chapter would make sense. _

_Sky_


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gakuen Alice but I do own the plot of this story.

* * *

**Confessions of a Shadow Girl**

Chapter 2

* * *

"What difference will it make?"

He stopped.

"What difference does it make?" I asked him again.

I stared at him, waiting for him to speak, while my fingers continued to circle repeatedly around the round stitched baseball. Impatient, I threw the ball at him and stood up. I barely saw him catch the ball with much ease. He was swift as always. I admired that most about him. He was always ready to take on life, bright, charming, and to add to that, he was honest. People liked that. That's also why I hated him so much.

"I asked you a question."

I walked around the desk, maneuvering myself in front of it so that I could face him directly. I crossed my arms over my chest, watching his jaw slacken at my queries. There was a brief exchange of tensioned looks before he shrugs and continues his way towards the door.

"What difference does it make?"

I asked him again with the same persistence. He merely shook his head and looked back at me with the same angry look he always gives me. I smirked.

"The difference is that you could lose everything you have now or just end up like your father! Don't you see that! You're going after something you can't control and it's not even possible!"

"It is. You're just not open-minded about it." I calmly tell him. He was angry and frustrated but he didn't understand. It was my choice. "I'm not apologizing for anything. You're my best friend and I respect your opinion but you have no right to tell the police about this –"

"This," He said, gesturing towards me, "Could ruin everything for you, dumb ass. This isn't some sick joke and this isn't some magic trick. This is dangerous!"

He stopped.

I stood straight walking towards him. I was about to scream at the top of my lungs when time stopped when he spoke.

"She's dead just get over it."

Rage came over me but his words left an impact. I couldn't move, I could look and I-I couldn't breathe. I could only whisper what to me seemed like the only real thing to say, "She's not."

He laughed bitterly, "She's six-feet under the ground and she isn't coming back. What you're doing isn't going to bring her back. It's only going to kill you."

My eyes moved over to his, "You don't know that and you know what? I can do what ever the hell I want!"

Angry, I threw all the paper work in my table and leaving them scattered on the floor. I back my tongue from saying anything more. He was probably right, if the laws of nature were against me, and he knew better. He knows me better than I know myself but he was still wrong. She's here I can still feel her. He just doesn't understand.

"Just get out."

He rolled his eyes, throwing the ball lazily at me. "You're making a big mistake you know."

"I'm not." I countered.

He opened the door and left not before giving what may probably be the last words he'll say to me.

"_It's your life, Natsume. Go ruin it in whatever way you want to. I'm leaving."

* * *

_

I was invisible.

Me. Completely. Unnoticed.

I smiled. Then again, I wasn't Mikan Sakura here. I'm Sakura Yukihira, the new girl.

I bit my upper lip, not wanting to give Hotaru the satisfaction of being right for kidnapping me and leaving me for dead in this school by grinning like an idiot.

She was right behind me though I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't anymore. This definitely wasn't her scene. From the loud laughing by the corner, make out sessions under the trees, peppy cheerleaders cheering and flipping skirts to the orchestra trying to vie for the others student's attention while playing on the plat-formed stage in the center of the square, sounding unrehearsed and some out of tune.

I turned around to look for Hotaru but instead, I saw my bags lying on the ground and came to the conclusion of how completely revolting this social environment is for her.

This definitely wasn't Hotaru Imai's place; this was Mikan Sakura's. And she would've fit in perfectly but she wouldn't have been happy; she'd be miserable, like she's always been. And I was to blame for everything.

"Hey!"

I froze. I knew that voice anywhere. It had the tone that had the equivalency of prince charming to me; worthless and Koko.

I didn't bother to turn around; I waited for him to just magically appear in front of me. I was still moody from my sudden outburst of misery. He certainly had impeccable timing for everything.

To my surprise, Koko was now clad in a dark blue blazer and sporting a white long sleeve shift with cuff lings at the end. He wore a tie around his head, making his almost decent apparel as a student turn into an idiot that had snot dripping down his face.

Actually, now I'm more surprised to know what he's doing here in this school.

"What are you doing here?" Koko grinned, untying the red tie around his head and was about to say something when I purposely cut him off, "Aren't you in college or something?"

His brows furrowed which I wasn't anticipating at all. He picked up the bag Hotaru had left lying and walked closer to me.

"College? I'm still a junior you know and besides," He smiled mischievously, moving closer towards me, "I'm not college material, remember." He pointed to the scratch in his face that I gave him earlier when I gave him the rant about him being inappropriate and that he would most likely be a dead beat in the years to come.

"I'm not giving you an apology." I said with a bit of sarcasm in my voice.

"I wasn't hoping for one."

I couldn't help but smile. Koko was starting to grow on me. "I hate you." I took it upon myself to give him a light kick in his shin.

He grinned again, and now, it was charming, well almost.

* * *

_AN: Thanks for the review. This is the revised version. _

_Skylar_


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gakuen Alice but I do own the plot of this story.

* * *

**Confessions of a Shadow Girl**

Chapter 3

* * *

Well this is surprising.

I would've laughed but to be honest this is most likely to be the creepiest Halloween party I've been to. Seriously, this is _unique_.

"This is," I racked my brain trying to think of an appropriate word to describe, well, this, "Um, interesting."

From beside me, Hotaru was taking pictures of the different people dancing wildly, some even topless, on the dance floor. Bluntly she replied, "What do expect it's a Halloween party. People can dress up whoever they want to be and in this circumstance, whatever they want to be.

"Yeah, I get it but don't you think it crosses a line when you dress up as a condom and tampons. You know I don't even think that's the worst part. I think it's the fact that they all decided to go as a group." I told her while I started walking towards the exit, pulling Hotaru with me. She took her sombrero off as well as her poncho on the way out and bribed me into carrying them for her.

It was pretty cold outside but the view was amazing.

The school parking lot which was usually filled with cars and noisy students but tonight it was just empty with a lot of decorative flowers and colourful lights around the whole area. It was peaceful too.

I have to admit, I wasn't expecting the annoying decorative committee in this school to be this good. Earlier this week, they've been passing fliers around school for a Halloween bash and kept insisting that everyone come to the party.

They were a bit pushy and using pushy to describe it, I'm already being nice. They stalked you down the hallways just to make sure that you have a costume for the Halloween bash. I almost didn't come, using the excuse that I've only been here for a couple of days and that I didn't really have a costume to wear but Anna, the head of the decorating committee, managed to find my dorm room and forced me to go, with Hotaru's help.

She was both the sweetest and the scariest person I have ever met and that's saying a lot. I shuddered remembering.

My thoughts were disrupted when consecutive bright, blinding flashes surprised me and my instincts told me to look away, immediately.

"Oh, common, there's no paparazzi here and I doubt anyone knows that you're even you know who," Hotaru said, titling me back to face her, "You're overreacting."

"I don't think so."

"What do you expect me to say? I take pictures of people such as yourself for a living. I'm one of them. I'm almost bound by my profession to protect those little weasels."

"Yeah, but you don't take pictures of me," She gave me a piercing look, "that _doesn't_ violate my privacy. That doesn't make you _entirely_ as bad as them."

She paused for a minute, looking a bit concerned, and said, "True but you can't fully assume that I am much more pleasant than they are, though I find your premise of the matter understandable and flattering, I have to tell you that I do make it a point to exempt friends from this invasion of privacy. But if you had said that my exemption of peers was what-"

"Mikan!"

I turned around to see who called me but then I saw some guy dressed up as _Mikan Sakura _running to the entrance wearing a brown wig. Odd. I wasn't ready prepared for this. It's a funny feeling though, seeing other people dress up as you for Halloween. It would have been amusing if it wasn't a guy dressing up as me, in a tank top and a skirt.

It took me a moment to realize that his other buddies were dressed up as me too. From my blond phase to my brunette come back.

"Still think this bash is interesting," Hotaru said, walking beside me. She took another picture of me, "You don't mind me taking pictures of them do you?"

I shrugged, "Take pictures of them for all I care just as along as it's not me."

"Well, technically, they are you."

I frowned. It was funny how Hotaru could even try to be funny when she knows I'm having a hard time dealing with my fame. It's making me confused about my whole identity and these guys dressing up as me is really not helping me. Then again, it was rare that Hotaru would even try to say something humorous.

"Ha, ha," I laughed, trying to sound as monotonous as I can. I had a fairly high voice which was great for singing but bad for sarcasm. I gave Hotaru her costume back and she looked a tad bit sickened when she took it. It was a bit ironic because she was the one who choose our costumes.

Hotaru stopped me before I could even move around the curb that was directly perpendicular to the main entrance.

She started taking pictures of the group rowdy seniors hang out outside the hall. I particularly took note of the green-haired girl she had her camera focused on.

"That's Sumire Shouda, right? She's in my senior class."

Hotaru smirked, "Yes," She looked at me briefly," And wipe that smug look of your face. Just because the principal accidentally put you in a senior class because of your age doesn't exactly mean you are one. You're still a junior if you happened to forget and the oldest one at that."

"You always manage to make me sound stupid."

As a kid too, even before I knew she was ten months younger than me, she'd always make these fancy gadgets and talk to me like I'm some idiot. I'm actually smart it's just that I don't make the best decisions which Hotaru uses, a lot, against me.

"You're a pop star. What do you expect?"

Hotaru took a couple more pictures of Sumire before walking towards the bushes to get, what I think is, a better angle of the girl.

When I stood beside her, she shoved her poncho and sombrero to me saying, "Take that thing and burn it."

So much for matching costumes.

Then I thought of my current position, crouching down behind a bush holding someone else's costume. I don't even know what I'm doing here.

"Hotaru, why are you taking pictures of Shouda?"

"I owe somebody something," I gave her, which from her response might have been an inquiring look. Hotaru merely shrugged, "Don't even ask about it. It's too complicated for your brain to understand."

"I'm smart enough to kick your butt in backgammon," I retaliated.

She dropped her camera abruptly, letting it hang loose around her neck. She looked as if she was about to say something but instead she mumbled words I could understand.

"What? I didn't understand what you said," I complained.

"Exactly."

Sometimes her wit eludes me completely that I forget how annoying it can be.

"If it's any consolation, I consider you smarter than most people in this school," She said, casually, without even looking at me," They're at least triple your idiocy. Take Koko for example."

Oh, Koko. I almost forgot about that stupid moron that almost got my secret exposed. I wanted to skin him alive after what he did. I can't believe he freaking called me _Sakura_ in public. People were already saying I looked like _Mikan Sakura_ and he starts jogging next to me all sweaty and shirtless calling me _Sakura_. Of all the stupid people that had to know my secret, I feel almost sad for myself knowing Koko was one of them.

The moment I start warming up to the idea of Koko being my friend, he had to something so stupid that I nearly killed him for it. It's a good thing he's popular and all, so that crosses out those chances. Ignoring him, though, was still on my list.

His unending persistence to talk to him does give a few bonus points but it doesn't change the fact that I had to talk to some girls, convincing them that I was not Mikan Sakura. He apologized though, hundreds of times, so I'm not _that_ mad at him anymore. But, I'm still irritated.

I was quiet for few seconds and Hotaru noticed. She glanced at me before she snapped another picture of Sumire.

"It's a compliment you know," Hotaru gave me small smile. It was barely visible but still it was there. It still counted for something.

I grinned and it almost hurt. I didn't smile so often anymore maybe that's why it felt so unfamiliar. I guess I haven't been happy lately. That's understatement. I've been miserable.

I'm just glad I have Hotaru to wake me up and help me see that. Funny, out of all the people I know, I never guessed it would be her.

Hotaru was just another girl my mother had introduced me to. I was just starting out then and she just bought her first camera.

That was actually what our first conversation was about and six years later, we're at the top of it all. But only one of us is happy.

"So, my mommy told me that you want to be famous too." I said to the little girl who was busy admiring the little lens of her silver camera.

"Who ever said I wanted to be famous?"

She was very pretty. She looked like my aunt except much prettier especially her eyes.

"My mom," I said, pointing to the tall brunette talking to a friend of hers, my aunt Imai.

"Your mother doesn't know anything." Her voice sounded mean, very mean. "Only stupid people want to be famous. My father told me that everything had a price even fame."

"Really, well my mom said the same thing to me too. But my daddy's famous and there's nothing wrong with his life."

"Idiot," She muttered.

Harsh. She ignored me after that, polishing her camera and its lens. I watched her for a while before she pulled the lens off. It wasn't supposed to do that.

"How did you do that?" I questioned her.

"Magic," She said, though she didn't seem to mean it, "And can you please go away."

I stayed put.

"Don't you have to sing or something? Can you please just leave me alone? I have to work."

"You're ten."

"Which makes it easier to do my work, nobody would suspect a ten year old to take pictures of them and sell them to some magazine." She told me bluntly, brushing past me to head out of the patio.

"Oh, good luck then." I waved at her before she walked back to me to say something.

"You too Sakura," Her eyes seemed to look more fierce than before, "My daddy told me that famous people should be careful especially girls like you."

She went away, her party gown swaying as she seemingly danced off, holding her camera taking pictures of the pretty blond ladies in the ball room.

"And he's famous too you know!" She yelled.

If my ten year old self knew that we would be friends after that, she would probably have an asthma attack.

I hugged Hotaru. I couldn't help it. She struggled to free herself but I didn't let go despite of the many death threats she ranted.

"Thank you, Hota," I told her, using my childish voice, tightening my hug. She cursed and told me how irritating it was calling her by her nickname.

The thank you was necessary for so many reasons. I had a lot to be thankful for. I've been though so much this past few months, I don't think I could have taken it anymore without her.

I was really, really depressed then. I felt into the pressure of society and I caved. I didn't do drugs or drank or anything but I became different. The ugly change you see in people. I had scars.

The worst part about it, it comes backs to haunt you. You see it everywhere. I was almost suicidal. That's when Hotaru comes and tries to save me from it, from myself. She always comes even if I do it forcefully.

"Thank you for convincing me to go here. It really took my mind of things." Once I let everything out, I pulled away immediately.

"I'm Hotaru Imai, what do you expect?" She said, smugly. She flashed a smile, a pretty one.

Her smile immediately disappeared and she shot me a look. She placed the cover back on her lens and said, "Get rid of that thing and let's go back to the party and make fun of the crazy people inside."

"So what, I can watch condoms and tampons dance together. Think of the irony, Hotaru. I don't even think it's possible." I shook my head disapprovingly when I saw a group of girls all dressed up as cat woman go inside the hall as the sound of loud drum beats echo outside the place, "tell me something that would actually want to go back there other than seeing monkeys dance and seniors as -"

"Koko's dressed up as a princess."

"Do you know how much I love the fact that you just know me that well?"

* * *

_AN: This is mostly about Mikan and Hotaru's relationship with each other. I don't know about the next chapter but I'm fairly certain that I'll have Natsume in the next one. I haven't really covered their whole relationship but I decided that this would be a good start. Revised version.  
_

_Skylar_


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